Friday, 23 December 2016

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A JEWISH PRINCESS

Friday, 23 December 2016
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A JEWISH PRINCESS 
Three men Dougie, Brian and Lambo shared a house in Twickenham.  Each married women of very different backgrounds.  All three were teachers, as were their wives, at St. Marks Comprehensive School, Fulham between 1975 and 1979.

St. Marks Comprehensive School sat in the grounds of Bishops Palace, Fulham.  The 1970’s horror film The Omen was filmed in the school grounds and used the very same church every two weeks for the entire school held communion, Dougie (Maths), Brian (English) and Lambo (PE) usually sneaked off to the greasy spoon cafe next to Putney bridge tube to miss the God bit. Together they shared a house in Twickenham (Lambo played for Harlequins RFC) and the headmaster made the front page of the News of The World.  That’s all for later.

Dougie married Layla the Italian girl.  She arrived as the Italian Assistant and left as his wife.  On the wedding day (in Naples) Dougie said to Layla I am so proud and happy to be marrying you, I love you.  However:
1. You must, have my babies, love nurture and care for them. Breastfeed them and ensure they have only the best.
2. Manage our home, after all an Englishman’s home is his Castle.
3. Agree the magpie is our spiritual animal and pay homage to its God like qualities every Saturday or Sunday depending upon where Newcastle United is playing.
4. Cook my meals, iron my shirts, wash my underwear but most of all have a fridge constantly stocked with Newcastle Brown Ale at all times.

They married in Naples, Brian and Lambo were ushers and what a wonderful day it was too.

They returned to England and:
1. In the first week Dougie saw nothing.
2. In the second week there was lots of screaming, all in Italian, but still no change.
3. Week three was the breakthrough.  On arriving home he saw a brand new American Fridge thingy in the garage alongside his MGb Roadster. (often Lambo used to be cramped up and hung over in the back on Monday mornings).
4. On opening the fridge it was stocked with Newcastle Brown.
5. A week later he had a plasma screen in the garage and a subscription to Sky Sports was his Xmas present. I know, not invented yet but it works.
6. Life was yummy.

Brian married Annie an English Rose and school French teacher.  On the wedding day Brian said to Annie I am so proud and happy to be marrying you, I love you.  However:
1. You must, have my babies, love nurture and care for them. Breastfeed them and ensure they have only the best.
2. Manage our home, after all an Englishman’s home is his Castle.
3. Pay homage to the English Rose. Worship it at all times, singing the ritual hymn; ‘Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home’.  Learn the hand gestures needed to perform the ritual in its symbolic home Twickenham.  Travel to far off places like Dublin, Paris and Edinburgh to perform the ritual.
4. Cook my meals, iron my shirts, make Yorkshire puddings every Sunday, wash my underwear but most of all have the fridge constantly stocked with John Smiths (official beer to England Rugby) at all times.

They married in the village church, bagpipes and the rest.

They returned to London and:

1. In the first week Brian saw nothing.
2. In the second week there was lots of screaming, she burned herself learning to make Yorkshire puddings, but still not much change.
3. Week three was the breakthrough.  On arriving home he saw a brand new Gortex jacket hanging on his coat hook. It had been beautifully embroidered, with Annie’s new sewing machine, with the English rose.
4. On opening the fridge it was stocked with John Smith Yorkshire bitter.
5. A week later he had a plasma screen in the garage and a subscription to Sky Sports was his Xmas present.
6. Life was yummy.

Lambo married Kali, a Jewish Princess, the girls PE teacher.  On the wedding day Lambo said to Kali I am so proud and happy to be marrying you, I love you.  However:

1. You must, have my babies, love nurture and care for them. Breastfeed them and ensure they have only the best.
2. Manage our home, after all an Englishman’s home is his Castle.
3. Pay homage to the stiletto heel, especially with seamed stockings. Worship me at all times, travel to obscure places watching Paul Rogers sing; ‘It’s all right now’.  Learn the hand gestures needed to steady me when drunk.  Travel to far off places like Amsterdam, Paris and Castleford to perform the ritual.
4. Cook my meals, iron my shirts, take me to Curculios every Sunday, wash my underwear but most of all have the fridge constantly stocked with Orvietto Classico (Secco) as its perfect for my favourite hobby, cooking Bangladeshi food.

They married in the registry office, a day later than planned, at the mother-in-law’s request.

They walked home and:

1. In the first week Lambo saw nothing.
2. In the second week there was lots of screaming but he still saw nothing.
3. In week three he glimpsed a possible breakthrough. The swelling on his left eye had reduced enough to find his way, crawling - as his crutches hadn’t arrived yet- to the fridge.
4. On opening the fridge it was empty except for a shopping list.
5. A week later his crutches arrived and he was able to do the shopping and load the dishwasher.

The rest is for later.


Have a good Xmas.  Lambo