Sunday, 21 June 2015

Middle-Aged Man in Lycra.

'There were around 1,900 Tramadol [Endorphin] tablets falsely obtained by Dr McInerney'  
Western Gazette - South Somerset: June 05, 2015

"Yeovil doctor forged prescriptions to get drugs... When she was interviewed by police, the doctor admitted the offences saying that she had consumed the drugs, and her behaviour had been motivated by a "crisis in her life".

Tramadol stimulates the release of endorphins and this is just the drug we need to land our plane.

What plane?

Some of you have you been flying a plane with me for the past two weeks.  Wake up. If lagging behind, you may need to engage right brain and visit last week to catch up.

Back to our plane its Sunday, you’re out of all fuel, reaching the end of your flying hours, yet needing food (oh yes I forgot about that one) and sleep.  You have about 18 hours to land the plane, refuel and be back on the runway for work on Monday morning.

Tramadol works superbly. Co-Codamol [500-30] is a watered down version.

I was first prescribed tramadol five years ago, after my first knee operation.  I was next prescribed tramadol four years ago after my second knee operation (on the same knee). Again, three years ago after my first shoulder operation and again, twelve months ago, for my ruptured Plantaris [Achillees] tendon.

Did you know the Plantaris tendon is the longest tendon (up to 18ins) in the body. It made me run bloody fast. So fast, I came third in the England Schools 100m final.  It’s from the caveman gene and is now absent in 10% of the population. Many in the sports rehabilitation industry (some physio’s!) don’t even know it exists.

Well it does for me! Last December I was full of tramadol and counting the days to my Achilles tendon operation. As a last resort I tried Acupuncture.  Four weeks later, operation cancelled and  I am now in the gym for the first time in fifteen years! All the result of old rugby injuries.  I played on the right wing.  Every-one of my injuries are on the left side.  The worst one, a haemorrhage of my left eyeball, is for later.

Sidetracked again, we still need to land the bloody plane!

Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid neuropeptides. They are produced by the central nervous system and pituitary gland. The term implies a pharmacological activity (analogous to the activity of the corticosteroid category of biochemicals) as opposed to a specific chemical formulation.  [Wikipedia]

Tramadol is a non-endogenous type.  I will come back to it shortly.

Endogenous morphine, another name for endorphins remember, is needed quickly so we can hit the runway and land.

In times of stress and pain the body demands endorphins to relax and calm down.  After a 40 (more like 60 I hear) hour week and a family, or party, weekend in Brighton it leaves one rather strung up by the time Sunday afternoon arrives.

How do you get your endorphins?

Here are my top 10.  The first six are endogenous morphine providers, i.e. produced naturally. The next three come courtesy of the pharmaceutical industry and the 10th is the elusive one.

1. Rape & Pillage

It’s a natural pain reliever: Used for millennia  A bargaining tool in the Wars of the Roses. Sex causes increased production of oxytocin. Before orgasm, oxytocin, released from the brain, surges up to five times the normal level. This increase then leads to the release of endorphins, our natural pain-killing hormones.

Perfect for soldiers after a hard days killing.

Whilst sort of banned since the second world war [see my Rape of Berlin blog] it hasn't stopped today’s recruitment campaigns reaching Facebook.

Not a plane I wish to land. You?

2. Rape no Pillage

It’s a stress reliever: The endorphins released during sexual intercourse and orgasms are natural mood-boosters and stress relievers.

In January 2013, the Ministry of Justice (MoJ), Office for National Statistics (ONS) and Home Office released its first ever joint Official Statistics bulletin on sexual violence, entitled An Overview of Sexual Offending in England and Wales.

It reported that:

‘Approximately 85,000 women are raped on average in England and Wales every year. Over 400,000 women [1,095 per day!] are sexually assaulted each year. 1 in 5 women (aged 16 - 59) has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16.’

The BBC news reported on 4th April 2015;

‘Ex-All Black held on sex assault charge.  A former New Zealand rugby player has been arrested on suspicion of a sexual assault in Cardiff last month.’

I am pleased to say this is not a method I have ever adopted despite many a ‘what happens on tour, stays on tour’ rugby match and overnight stays in Cardiff, Paris, Cape Town and Castleford.

You?

3. Sex with a partner

It boosts immunity: "Endorphins released during intimacy have been found to stimulate immune system cells that fight disease".

Who said that?

The Mail on Sunday! Wow, it must be true.

They said [11 February 2009]; "Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of immunoglobulin A, or IgA, a substance found in saliva and the nasal lining thought to help our immune systems fight colds and flu... the research seems to suggest that men  -  particularly older men  -  benefit the most from healthy effects of sex... Research has found that men who have sex twice per week have fewer heart attacks than those who do not... After sex, blood vessels dilate and blood pressure is then reduced. This change in blood vessel constriction may also help with tension headaches".

"Use it or lose it' was the advice given to older men"

I've decided, I like the Daily Mail.  You?

5. Sex with self.

The Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, Volume 14, Numbers 2/3 2002, said in its publication, Masturbation as a Means of Achieving Sexual Health;

‘A 2002 report from a large British population of men said researchers found a 50 percent reduction in overall mortality in the group of men who said they had the most orgasms. Having regular orgasms can increase your life span. Every time you reach orgasm, the hormone DHEA increases in response to sexual excitement and orgasm. DHEA can boost your immune system, improve cognition, keep skin healthy, and even work as an antidepressant. Therefore, the added health benefit is that you will feel-and look-younger, longer.’

Your sex drive is a basic human need.  Remember my Fatal Silence blog. It is the body’s natural pain killer, pleasure giver and provider of your life force energy.

A wank is better than nothing but, you’re missing out on a lot of fun and relaxation.

Did you know the average time it takes a man to orgasm is 9m 42 seconds?  Aha, that’s why all the videos on RedTube are 10 minutes long.

I am told I look younger. I certainly feel it,  I'm listening to 'My Love' [Route 94] and dancing as I type.

How often do you self-pleasure or make love to yourself to release you endogenous morphine?

Ok, there will still be some of you not still getting it.  A mate of mine (let’s call him Dave) thinks its bloody rubbish. He says he has never 'wanked' since his teens. I can believe him as he is currently cycling across the USA for his endorphin hit!


6. Cycle across the USA with a bunch of blokes in lycra

On four hour shifts, while sleeping in a van seems to work for Dave.  Watch him!

My friend Christina has just made a late entry by shouting;

'Richmond Park every Sunday; bankers, wankers, City types and the rest. They even have teams'!

MAMIL's

'Middle-Aged Man in Lycra'. The term used to describe a middle aged man who; 'rides an expensive racing bicycle for leisure, wearing professional style body-hugging bicycle jerseys and bicycle shorts'. [Wikipedia]

Works a treat, far cheaper than a Porche and a new woman 20 years your junior. Number 5 above is cheaper still and less dangerous. Hang on tho, danger also releases endorphins!

I prefer Scoring a 60m try in front of 60,000.  Have a look. Video quality crap but trust me it works.

Two hours in the gym, run 10k or any boot-camp fitness regime will ensure the morphine surge arrives. Finely tuned athletes even have a name for it, ‘the second wind’.  It’s not easy to find but boy is it yummy.

My old bike is rusting somewhere down the garden and I don’t own any Lycra. Do you?

However,  for the sick, lame and lazy (this is what PE teachers call the skivers queue) plus the odd GP, there are far easier and quicker ways to obtain endorphins and land the plane.  You guessed it?

Pharmaceuticals!

7. Tramadol

Tramadol was originally developed in Germany in launched in 1977. It was designed to be a better medication than opioids, such as heroin, codeine, and morphine for treating moderate to severe pain.

Brilliant at 6 am, with a hangover and a train to catch.

Tramadol is widely used to treat sports injuries, especially after surgery!  It’s also very good for landing tired planes and helping a stressed GP with a “crisis in her life”.  It is also the drug that gets you addicted and needing stronger opioids. Constipation is the main side effect. He ho.

Have you discovered tramadol yet?

8.  Benzodiazepines

This little beauty is cool. Let’s call them lorazepam, diazepam or just plain old valium.

Calms you down, lands the plane and off you go to sleep.

However when mixed with alcohol this is pure space juice.  It was Whitney Huston’s favourite till she overdosed. Please don’t try it for landing the plane, you won't wake up!

Find an Ecstasy vendor and you will find a Valium vendor.  It’s even called ‘landing gear’ in the trade.

I use valium for sleeping on planes, not landing them.

Do you use benzo’s to land?

9. Alcohol

If all else fails its magic.  Guaranteed to land the plane and you choose the rate of decent.  What could be easier?

Does your landing gear include alcohol?

The UK has 40 million users and 40,000 UK deaths each year and rising! And it’s legal!

I was chatting to Julie, a dear friend, this morning and she reminded me;

I was once attended a family gathering in London; two cans of Stella on the train, two pints after calling in the office and one with my son just before entering Pizza Express Jazz Club, Dean Street Soho.  Halfway through my meal, washed down with loads of red wine, I get hiccups, oh no, really loud hiccups!  Lambo, drinking a glass of wine backwards doesn’t work! It also makes you look the drunken prat you are!  The band comes on, the hiccups are getting worse, and it’s all very embarrassing.  I sort of remember my children are escorting me into the street and taxi to my in-laws.

My plane crashed that night and the debris spread for miles.

Any of that sound familiar?

10. Meditation not Medication

Ohm Nama Shivia.


We could always ban all drugs, except the ones that make the government the most money in taxes?

Whatever method you chose to release your endorphins and finally land the plane each week is fine by me.  I don’t need to suffer the consequences as my old tea shirts are enough of a reminder.

Having finally landed our plane,  I am also having a rest before fitting a solar panel system on Lulu, my 15 year old camper-van and gliding over some Summer festivals.

See you in the Autumn.

And the point I am making is:

Please check your landing gear. Is it serving you?


Have a good summer

Lambo


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