Sunday, 21 June 2015

Middle-Aged Man in Lycra.

'There were around 1,900 Tramadol [Endorphin] tablets falsely obtained by Dr McInerney'  
Western Gazette - South Somerset: June 05, 2015

"Yeovil doctor forged prescriptions to get drugs... When she was interviewed by police, the doctor admitted the offences saying that she had consumed the drugs, and her behaviour had been motivated by a "crisis in her life".

Tramadol stimulates the release of endorphins and this is just the drug we need to land our plane.

What plane?

Some of you have you been flying a plane with me for the past two weeks.  Wake up. If lagging behind, you may need to engage right brain and visit last week to catch up.

Back to our plane its Sunday, you’re out of all fuel, reaching the end of your flying hours, yet needing food (oh yes I forgot about that one) and sleep.  You have about 18 hours to land the plane, refuel and be back on the runway for work on Monday morning.

Tramadol works superbly. Co-Codamol [500-30] is a watered down version.

I was first prescribed tramadol five years ago, after my first knee operation.  I was next prescribed tramadol four years ago after my second knee operation (on the same knee). Again, three years ago after my first shoulder operation and again, twelve months ago, for my ruptured Plantaris [Achillees] tendon.

Did you know the Plantaris tendon is the longest tendon (up to 18ins) in the body. It made me run bloody fast. So fast, I came third in the England Schools 100m final.  It’s from the caveman gene and is now absent in 10% of the population. Many in the sports rehabilitation industry (some physio’s!) don’t even know it exists.

Well it does for me! Last December I was full of tramadol and counting the days to my Achilles tendon operation. As a last resort I tried Acupuncture.  Four weeks later, operation cancelled and  I am now in the gym for the first time in fifteen years! All the result of old rugby injuries.  I played on the right wing.  Every-one of my injuries are on the left side.  The worst one, a haemorrhage of my left eyeball, is for later.

Sidetracked again, we still need to land the bloody plane!

Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid neuropeptides. They are produced by the central nervous system and pituitary gland. The term implies a pharmacological activity (analogous to the activity of the corticosteroid category of biochemicals) as opposed to a specific chemical formulation.  [Wikipedia]

Tramadol is a non-endogenous type.  I will come back to it shortly.

Endogenous morphine, another name for endorphins remember, is needed quickly so we can hit the runway and land.

In times of stress and pain the body demands endorphins to relax and calm down.  After a 40 (more like 60 I hear) hour week and a family, or party, weekend in Brighton it leaves one rather strung up by the time Sunday afternoon arrives.

How do you get your endorphins?

Here are my top 10.  The first six are endogenous morphine providers, i.e. produced naturally. The next three come courtesy of the pharmaceutical industry and the 10th is the elusive one.

1. Rape & Pillage

It’s a natural pain reliever: Used for millennia  A bargaining tool in the Wars of the Roses. Sex causes increased production of oxytocin. Before orgasm, oxytocin, released from the brain, surges up to five times the normal level. This increase then leads to the release of endorphins, our natural pain-killing hormones.

Perfect for soldiers after a hard days killing.

Whilst sort of banned since the second world war [see my Rape of Berlin blog] it hasn't stopped today’s recruitment campaigns reaching Facebook.

Not a plane I wish to land. You?

2. Rape no Pillage

It’s a stress reliever: The endorphins released during sexual intercourse and orgasms are natural mood-boosters and stress relievers.

In January 2013, the Ministry of Justice (MoJ), Office for National Statistics (ONS) and Home Office released its first ever joint Official Statistics bulletin on sexual violence, entitled An Overview of Sexual Offending in England and Wales.

It reported that:

‘Approximately 85,000 women are raped on average in England and Wales every year. Over 400,000 women [1,095 per day!] are sexually assaulted each year. 1 in 5 women (aged 16 - 59) has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16.’

The BBC news reported on 4th April 2015;

‘Ex-All Black held on sex assault charge.  A former New Zealand rugby player has been arrested on suspicion of a sexual assault in Cardiff last month.’

I am pleased to say this is not a method I have ever adopted despite many a ‘what happens on tour, stays on tour’ rugby match and overnight stays in Cardiff, Paris, Cape Town and Castleford.

You?

3. Sex with a partner

It boosts immunity: "Endorphins released during intimacy have been found to stimulate immune system cells that fight disease".

Who said that?

The Mail on Sunday! Wow, it must be true.

They said [11 February 2009]; "Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of immunoglobulin A, or IgA, a substance found in saliva and the nasal lining thought to help our immune systems fight colds and flu... the research seems to suggest that men  -  particularly older men  -  benefit the most from healthy effects of sex... Research has found that men who have sex twice per week have fewer heart attacks than those who do not... After sex, blood vessels dilate and blood pressure is then reduced. This change in blood vessel constriction may also help with tension headaches".

"Use it or lose it' was the advice given to older men"

I've decided, I like the Daily Mail.  You?

5. Sex with self.

The Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, Volume 14, Numbers 2/3 2002, said in its publication, Masturbation as a Means of Achieving Sexual Health;

‘A 2002 report from a large British population of men said researchers found a 50 percent reduction in overall mortality in the group of men who said they had the most orgasms. Having regular orgasms can increase your life span. Every time you reach orgasm, the hormone DHEA increases in response to sexual excitement and orgasm. DHEA can boost your immune system, improve cognition, keep skin healthy, and even work as an antidepressant. Therefore, the added health benefit is that you will feel-and look-younger, longer.’

Your sex drive is a basic human need.  Remember my Fatal Silence blog. It is the body’s natural pain killer, pleasure giver and provider of your life force energy.

A wank is better than nothing but, you’re missing out on a lot of fun and relaxation.

Did you know the average time it takes a man to orgasm is 9m 42 seconds?  Aha, that’s why all the videos on RedTube are 10 minutes long.

I am told I look younger. I certainly feel it,  I'm listening to 'My Love' [Route 94] and dancing as I type.

How often do you self-pleasure or make love to yourself to release you endogenous morphine?

Ok, there will still be some of you not still getting it.  A mate of mine (let’s call him Dave) thinks its bloody rubbish. He says he has never 'wanked' since his teens. I can believe him as he is currently cycling across the USA for his endorphin hit!


6. Cycle across the USA with a bunch of blokes in lycra

On four hour shifts, while sleeping in a van seems to work for Dave.  Watch him!

My friend Christina has just made a late entry by shouting;

'Richmond Park every Sunday; bankers, wankers, City types and the rest. They even have teams'!

MAMIL's

'Middle-Aged Man in Lycra'. The term used to describe a middle aged man who; 'rides an expensive racing bicycle for leisure, wearing professional style body-hugging bicycle jerseys and bicycle shorts'. [Wikipedia]

Works a treat, far cheaper than a Porche and a new woman 20 years your junior. Number 5 above is cheaper still and less dangerous. Hang on tho, danger also releases endorphins!

I prefer Scoring a 60m try in front of 60,000.  Have a look. Video quality crap but trust me it works.

Two hours in the gym, run 10k or any boot-camp fitness regime will ensure the morphine surge arrives. Finely tuned athletes even have a name for it, ‘the second wind’.  It’s not easy to find but boy is it yummy.

My old bike is rusting somewhere down the garden and I don’t own any Lycra. Do you?

However,  for the sick, lame and lazy (this is what PE teachers call the skivers queue) plus the odd GP, there are far easier and quicker ways to obtain endorphins and land the plane.  You guessed it?

Pharmaceuticals!

7. Tramadol

Tramadol was originally developed in Germany in launched in 1977. It was designed to be a better medication than opioids, such as heroin, codeine, and morphine for treating moderate to severe pain.

Brilliant at 6 am, with a hangover and a train to catch.

Tramadol is widely used to treat sports injuries, especially after surgery!  It’s also very good for landing tired planes and helping a stressed GP with a “crisis in her life”.  It is also the drug that gets you addicted and needing stronger opioids. Constipation is the main side effect. He ho.

Have you discovered tramadol yet?

8.  Benzodiazepines

This little beauty is cool. Let’s call them lorazepam, diazepam or just plain old valium.

Calms you down, lands the plane and off you go to sleep.

However when mixed with alcohol this is pure space juice.  It was Whitney Huston’s favourite till she overdosed. Please don’t try it for landing the plane, you won't wake up!

Find an Ecstasy vendor and you will find a Valium vendor.  It’s even called ‘landing gear’ in the trade.

I use valium for sleeping on planes, not landing them.

Do you use benzo’s to land?

9. Alcohol

If all else fails its magic.  Guaranteed to land the plane and you choose the rate of decent.  What could be easier?

Does your landing gear include alcohol?

The UK has 40 million users and 40,000 UK deaths each year and rising! And it’s legal!

I was chatting to Julie, a dear friend, this morning and she reminded me;

I was once attended a family gathering in London; two cans of Stella on the train, two pints after calling in the office and one with my son just before entering Pizza Express Jazz Club, Dean Street Soho.  Halfway through my meal, washed down with loads of red wine, I get hiccups, oh no, really loud hiccups!  Lambo, drinking a glass of wine backwards doesn’t work! It also makes you look the drunken prat you are!  The band comes on, the hiccups are getting worse, and it’s all very embarrassing.  I sort of remember my children are escorting me into the street and taxi to my in-laws.

My plane crashed that night and the debris spread for miles.

Any of that sound familiar?

10. Meditation not Medication

Ohm Nama Shivia.


We could always ban all drugs, except the ones that make the government the most money in taxes?

Whatever method you chose to release your endorphins and finally land the plane each week is fine by me.  I don’t need to suffer the consequences as my old tea shirts are enough of a reminder.

Having finally landed our plane,  I am also having a rest before fitting a solar panel system on Lulu, my 15 year old camper-van and gliding over some Summer festivals.

See you in the Autumn.

And the point I am making is:

Please check your landing gear. Is it serving you?


Have a good summer

Lambo


Friday, 12 June 2015

Something for the Weekend?

As a lad I would visit my local barbers shop in Green Lanes, Featherstone for a short back and sides.  I was intrigued to hear the barber offer some of his customers, never me, ‘Something for the weekend?’ and slip a small packet into their top pocket.

That’s for later.

Firstly, we need a quick flashback to last week along with some more right brain activity. One of last week’s readers said they needed a joint to follow it! Whatever works for you is fine by me; however I do need to take you back to where we left off:

That bloody plane of yours is still 3,000 ft in the air and will need to land at some point or else!

We begin our descent and reach the clouds.  It's 6 pm, Friday and the gym for me. You?

Some of you will glide softly to the land and park for the weekend. You may go to the cinema; have a meal, yoga, a concert perhaps or even Friday night telly.  I had over 100 views in three hours last Friday so maybe you are reading my blog.

However, some of you (I have the T shirt even if a bit faded) will want to land, restock with some additional types of fuel and take off, back above the clouds.  You?

Many of you are still wired for sound and a few got the drug mix wrong. Some of you popped into the free in-flight Weatherspoons (you are flying a plane remember) for a ‘few’ G&T’s and god knows how many of those little wine things. Sound familiar?  If it does you’re not going to make the next trip as it’s largely alcohol free.

There’s a conundrum for you.

So back in the sky and alcohol free.  Those of you who insist on including alcohol will try to keep flying but slowly and surely you will crash.

But not without; ‘Something for the weekend’ first.

We already have (from last week’s take off) the Modafinil pilots and the coke crew still soaring as they would have stocked up with 'something for the weekend' before departure.

Here are a few more somethings for the weekend in the UK today:

Ecstasy

MDMA (pure Ecstasy) was developed in Germany just prior to the First World War.  The US Military played with it as a truth drug in the 1950s before it gained a following as a counselling drug in California.

The drug was described by Lenny Henry (about to be Sir Lenny) when he famously said;

‘This is a drug so strong it makes white people think they can dance!’

I love dancing and I'm white!  E not needed however as I take after my mum who went live on YouTube last week.   I'm just as mad.  You?

Ecstasy was first brought to Europe by the disciples of the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (better known as Osho), the Indian guru.

Osho tried to show our society a healthier way to live.

The Sunday Times: '1000 Makers of the Twentieth Century' said:

"Drawn from a variety of ideologies and religious traditions, but bearing their own stamp, Osho's teachings are uncompromisingly radical, anti-rational and capricious. They invite the individual to free his or herself from all the social conditioning: the only commitment is to be open and honest, to enjoy life, love oneself."

I googled the dude and it showed 13.2m results.  I love his work and the Goddess and I have danced at many an Osho inspired workshop.  We even studied tantric sex in Hawaii. That's for later.

The UK banned MDMA in 1977 but clever chemists continued to re-invent the wheel and search for a legal alternative.  They still do. We now call them, inter alia, Legal Highs!

Legal Highs

By this I mean ‘and the rest’, (it would take forever to list them) some legal some not. Estimated 500,000 customers a week.

The government has proposed a Psychoactive Substances Bill, which would be applied to "any substance intended for human consumption that is capable of producing a psychoactive effect”.

Hang on that can’t be right, I know loads of legal stuff with a psychoactive effect! The government also said;

"Alcohol, tobacco and caffeine will be excluded". BBC News 29th May 2015.

I must remember to look up what hypocrisy means.

Whatever happens next, the half million customers will still have a demand.  As any A Level economics student (not me, I was chucked out) will tell you, supply follows demand.

Modern Economics: An Introduction by Jack Harvey is still the A Level bible. I didn't understand a word of it, was removed from class, only to find I had an exam based on the same bible in my first year of RICS training! That's for later.

Sorry where was I?

Oh yes, supply will continue, but from an even dodgier source.

It’s just daft. These are my kids and Grandkids we are fucking up!

PRO PLUS®

He ho, back to good old Caffeine.

‘The England soccer team Glen Johnson has confirmed England players used caffeine tablets before their [Tuesday evening] World Cup qualifier against Poland.’ [Sky sports news 2012]

The problem was, the game was postponed after a torrential downpour shortly before kick-off and a large number of the players had imbibed PRO PLUS® (it’s even got a trade mark) at 7 pm that evening.  They were awake most of the night ‘hot to trot’, high on caffeine and by the time the game was replayed the following afternoon they were ready to crash not fly.

The Daily Mail said ‘Roy Hodgson's team failed to impress as they fought to a 1-1 draw on Wednesday afternoon’ and then went on to say why!

I took it many times before running out at Twickenham.

Red Bull make so much money selling you caffeine they even have a strap-line saying it'  'GIVES YOU WINGS'. Flying and wings makes sense.

80% of the world’s population drink caffeine so I assume you do too?

As I told you last week, ‘cold turkey’ from caffeine is to be avoided at all cost.

Music and Sex

As Bryan Ferry said ‘Love is a drug’.

The dance floor raises the endorphins.  For men and women, sex raises testosterone levels. Yes woman have testosterone as well as oestrogen.  Mix it with the above and your flying or ‘sky dancing’ as it’s known in the tantric world.

Ohm Nama Shivia

You see I am easily sidetracked, we are meant to be a plane remember?

You have partied all weekend and  by now it's Sunday, you’re out of all types of fuel, reaching the end of your flying hours, yet needing food (oh yes I forgot about that one) and sleep.  You have about 18 hours, if you're lucky, before being back on the runway for work on Monday morning.

We still need to land the bloody plane. Should have thought of that on Friday instead of a weekend bender. Yikes!

Na, it’s a job we can put off till next week. Sound familiar?

Oh and back to the barbers shop as a lad.  Shortly after my hair being cut I found my mum in the street chatting to a friend.  I asked her; 'Mum what is a Rubber Johnny?'.

My mum gave an answer that Freud would have loved. 'It's a policeman’s truncheon my love'. She patted my head, gave me two bob and told me to go buy an ice cream. No wonder I grew up confused about sex. He ho.

See you next week to land the plane.

And the point I am making is;

It’s the jobs we put off doing that come back to haunt us.

Have a good week

Lambo

Friday, 5 June 2015

Cocaine in sewage: London tops league table!

‘Scientists say London has the highest concentration of cocaine in sewage of anywhere surveyed in Europe. The results, which take into account the size of each city's population, show that on average, drug users in London relieved themselves of 737mg of cocaine per 1,000 people during the week in 2014.’ BBC News. Thursday 4th June 2015

A quick bit of searching the net and it works out some folk in London are taking 1gm of coke per day!  ‘And the rest’ my dear friend Rob would have said.  Sadly he died of  heart disease in his prime, (yet still outlived his dad, who died  of the same disease 10 years earlier) but not before introducing me to ‘Torture Garden’ and the ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ side of London  in 2001. I did imbibe, saw the dangers, could easily have self destructed but jumped ship soon after.  Phew! That was close and all for later.

Did you know one of the original recipes for Coca Cola contained ¼ gm of coke, per bottle?

It had been a quiet and reflective week until now. The news above was the kick up the bum I needed to jump into action, and an excuse for not going to the gym.

In this week’s blog I am taking you on a journey, flying an aeroplane.  Imagine you are the plane; (ok you need to visit right brain a bit) and each waking hour is your journey from take off to landing.

I invite you to join me on such a daily plane journey, in fact one that the majority of you will take every week between Mondays and Fridays.

The alarm goes off.

Do you wake up fresh and alert or sluggish and tired?  Makes no difference what state you are in, your plane (that’s you if you still hadn't worked it out) needs fuel to take off and fly.

What do you use each morning to fuel your plane?

Here are the top seven choices in Britain today:

1 Snort a line of coke.  

The BBC news above says it all. You?

2 Pop a Modafinil.  

If the survey above included all types of ‘rocket fuel’, Modafinil would be second by a mile. This new ‘coke for the brain’ is now the drug of choice for many traders in the City of London, not to mention the whole of our university system
.
According to the Guardian (Thursday 8th May 2014) 20% of all university students have taken it.  Three clicks on the internet (it is legal to take by the way) and arrives by first class post two days later.

It is also used extensively by military and commercial airline pilots.  You?

3 Sainsbury Max Strength Congestion Relief (Phenylephrine)

Speaking of university students, this is the breakfast pill for the academic world.  Banned in Athletics, it’s easy to see why, as a shot of almost pure adrenalin kick starts the day giving you that confidence and zest to present your latest thesis.

I have been to my local Sainsbury three times to try and find a packet, the first two visits they were sold out. News from the underworld says it’s being experimented with to make Crystal Meth. .  Breaking Bad eat your heart out. You?

4 Weatherspoons for a full English breakfast and a pint of Budweiser.  

I love a Weatherspoons early in the morning. My surveying work takes me to many a strange high street at all times of the day.  I could give some long winded surveyor speak about what I do but basically, I'm the bloke who puts the rent up.  Any surveyors with a brain (I have met a few that leave them at home) immediately find the nearest drug store (No 5 Below) and also the best place to have a shit.  Sorry but calling it a No 2 is daft. My Acupuncturist said ‘the day always works better when you dump your shit in the morning’.  Sadly she is under the weather at the moment and I wish her a speedy recovery.  She is a very insightful lady.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes;

Weatherspoons is one of my favourite early morning haunts.  I visited the one in Winchester four weeks ago walking from the station to the High Street. What was really scary is how many pints of larger were being consumed at 9.30am.  Yikes!  Have you ever had a pint for breakfast?

5 Caffeine.

Yes you guessed it caffeine is No 5 and the nearest legal alternative to coke.   ‘Death Wish’ according to the Torygraph (Daily Telegraph 20th March 2013) is now the world’s strongest coffee.  It says;

‘An average tall cup of Starbucks coffee has 160 mg of caffeine, according to their website, which would mean that a 12 oz. cup of 'Death Wish Coffee' would hold 520 mg of caffeine...’ reviews from customers; with recommendations on its website claiming "I've died and gone to heaven" and others on Amazon stating "Great taste and nice kick to it".

Sound like a disguise for coke to me.  After all they both work in a similar way, signalling our minds to release dopamine and adrenaline to create a pleasant feeling and get your plane off the ground.

I went into Costa Coffee, Sherborne at 4pm last week and asked for a skinny cappuccino (and a muffin) to eat in, as you do, so I could read the Daily Truth or maybe an older Mail on Sunday that had been left behind.  The barista enquired to see if I would like to try their new blend of rocket fuel guaranteed their strongest to date.  Maybe not ‘Death Wish’ but one cup of that and I would be still awake at 2am.   I once had no coffee all day and this is what happened next;

The Goddess and I went to a wedding up North. We arrived Friday after a long day on the road with numerous caffeine fixes.  Saturday was champagne and orange juice for breakfast. We partied all day and I even hit the dance floor with my mum, as you do.  I was a light drinker in my 30’s and so went to bed sane and sober. It didn't even cross my mind that I had consumed no caffeine all day.  By 2am Sunday morning I was convinced I was having a brain haemorrhage. The pain was unbelievable; I really have never known anything quite like it. We hunted everywhere, even to the car park, to find some paracetamol.

It was bloody caffeine withdrawal. Please don’t try this at home, its serious cold turkey. He ho.

6 Sugar, sugar and more sugar with a dollop of saturated fat.

There were 2.9 million people diagnosed with diabetes in the UK in 2011.  It is estimated the figure will increase to 5 million in the next ten years and will make it our single biggest killer.

I remember ten years of lovingly walking into the “Canadian Muffin Company” on Islington High Street most mornings for my 500 cal muffin and a cappuccino. Hang on, I did that last week in Costa!  Every high street has at least one cake shop tempting not just me but a high proportion of the population if the rise in diabetes is to be believed.

I've just had a lump of dark chocolate with hazel nuts so I'm saying no more.

The main ingredient in alcohol is sugar but it wouldn't help me write this.

7 And the rest.

This includes Yoga, hit the gym, swim or even walk your dog to wake up the endorphins and dopamine levels in your body.

Whatever method you choose your plane will take off (OK, the Weatherspoon lot are still on the ground) and you are on your daily flight path.  Autopilot on and;

By 11 am your head will be starting to buzz and not from the turbulence. Your blood sugar levels will be falling as the breakfast binge wears off.  The solution is simple and quick; caffeine, sugar and some saturated fats to top you up until lunch.  Some have their second (Rob would have muttered 4th) line of coke.

Lunch and time for a refuel to keep you on course   Carbohydrates, saturated fats (for some a pint or yet another line) and after the initial high it will leave you beautifully sedated when you should be starting your afternoon shift. Na, I will leave the autopilot on.

I was once at a RICS arbitration conference where the after lunch speaker, and the rest of us, all 150, were in hysterics listening to the bloke, in front of me, snoring for England.

By 4pm our bodies are running low on everything.  Did you know that more chocolate is consumed between 4.30 and 6.30pm than in the rest of the day combined?  Add caffeine and sugar (or a line mutters Rob) to provide a timely boost to carry you over the threshold and finish work in a totally wired up state.  Modafinil has a 'half life' of 15 hours so if that's your fuel of choice you still have a while to go!

Sound familiar?

Oh and this plane of yours is still 3,000 ft in the air and will need to land at some point or else!

Bloody hell, we need to land it.  How?  That’s for next week.

And the point I am making is:

What goes up (your nose says the BBC News) must come down.

Have a good week in the sky.

Lambo